Healthy Relationships: Building a Culture of Wholeness

Healthy Relationships: Building a Culture of Wholeness

One of the most vital pillars of a thriving community is that of healthy relationships. It’s not just a nice ideal — it’s something we must intentionally learn how to do, grow in, model, nurture, and fight for. When relationships are healthy, people flourish. And when they’ve been broken, we must show that hope and restoration are possible.

Unfortunately, we don’t come hardwired knowing exactly HOW to live out healthy relationships.  We often learn (and sometimes the hard way) how to relate to people through life, our upbringing, and through our mistakes.   

As a wife, a mother, and someone who’s been in ministry for almost 30 years — and even before that, a pastor’s kid — I’ve seen both the beauty and the devastation that relationships can bring. I’ve walked with people through the wreckage of broken relationships and seen the collateral damage caused by emotional unhealth. Sadly, much of the Church today is experiencing the fallout of this — people deeply hurt, disillusioned, even turning away from the Lord because of internal and relational brokenness.

But here’s the good news: this doesn’t have to be our story. We can intentionally cultivate emotionally and spiritually healthy lives, and in doing so, we can help others do the same.

As leaders, it starts with our own internal world. A mentor of mine, Steve Backlund, says,” The most important person that we lead is ourselves.”  What does this mean in relation to cultivating healthy relationships?  It means that we can’t give what we ourselves don’t have, and we can’t teach what we don’t know, and we can’t lead where we don’t ourselves go.  We need to first have a right revelation of who we are, first and foremost to God.  What does He say about me?  How do I relate to Him?  What do I believe He thinks and says about me?  Out of that revelation, our identity first as dearly loved children of God, everything else flows rightly.  When we are free from an orphan spirit, we can not only see ourselves right, but we can also see and relate to others in wholeness.    

As leaders, we have families to love, people we lead, and communities that we influence. And to be truly healthy leaders, we MUST have this revelation of the spirit of adoption.  All fruitfulness flows from this place of identity.  If we are a mess internally, it will inevitably spill over into every area of our lives.  But when we lead through the lens of sonship and right relationship to God, we release that same revelation to others.  

We see the perfect model of a healthy relationship in the very nature of God — Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Within the Trinity, there is unity, honor, and deep connection. Everything the Father does flows from His desire for relationship. 

My own dad often says, “It was the Father’s dream to have a big family that looks like His Son, Jesus.”   This is so true! Jesus came to point us to the Father, and the Holy Spirit now reveals to us how they function together within us in perfect love.  And because of this we can experience what heaven holds here on earth.   

In 2019, I asked the Lord what He wanted to do in my life that year, and He said, “I want you to get emotionally healthy in your spirituality.” I had no idea what that meant, so — in true 21st-century fashion — I Googled it! That led me to a book and course called “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality” by Peter Scazzero.

I started the course and then later invited our staff to go through it with me. That year, God began addressing areas I had long buried — anger, frustration, betrayal, misunderstanding, rejection, judgment, comparison, being a workaholic, unrealistic expectations, and lack of rest. I thought these things were just affecting me privately, but I quickly realized they were shaping the culture of my home, our staff, and our church community.

Because here’s the truth: the health of our relationships determines the health of our culture.

A culture that values healthy relationships is one that:

• Believes the best about people.

• Builds big people before building big organizations.

• Cares more about lives than measurable outcomes.

• Practices honest and honoring communication.

• Speaks the truth in love.

• Empowers and celebrates others.

• Has fun together.

• Has one another’s backs, but doesn’t cover up or excuse sin. 

• And most importantly, puts love first the way that is shown in 1 Corintians 13.

How many of us have served leaders or worked in environments that this was present?  How did that make you feel?  How did that empower you?  

How many of us have worked or served or even led in environments where this wasn’t present?  But rather a culture of comparison, competition, suspicion, frustration, passive-aggressive communication, and burn out were common?  Did you feel empowered?  Creative?  Free?  Trust?  

I have led and been led in both types of environments.  I can tell you which one I will steer clear of. I want to lead and be led in an empowering culture, where healthy relationships are nurtured, where we aren’t afraid to make mistakes or fail or be honest.  That is where people blossom and bloom.  That is a greenhouse for growth and beauty!  That’s the kind of culture we’re called to build — one that mirrors the heart of God Himself.  It’s countercultural, it’s powerful, and it’s what the world is desperate to see.